Sometimes I just gotta vent!

Where to start....where to start......hmmmmmm.
Ok, well, I have been stuck between a rock and a hard place for awhile now. Jim's health has really been on my mind. He has to go back to the eye specialist tomorrow and see if these darn shots are even doing any good. You know, the shots that the insurance refuses to cover because they are labled "experimental"? Yeah, those. So if they are working, we start another round. If they aren't working, we discuss other options. Please, God, I pray they work! I love my husband and I want him to continue to see his children grow. With the "wonderful" insurance plan we have, I would have to imagine they won't be covering the surgery anyways.

The latest drama in my life began yesterday afternoon. Well, actually it sort of began unknowingly on Wednesday evening. Jim's boss (Jeff) told him that there were going to be some major management changes and almost all the assistants were trading places throughout the district. As my husband got all in an uproar, Jeff assured him that he was not going anywhere. So imagine our surprise and dismay when he is informed only three days later that he is, in fact, being transferred. He felt so deceived by Jeff.

The worst part of this mess is that the store they are sending him to is almost 30 miles away. One way. So every day he has to travel 60 some odd miles to go to and from work. Now, it is our choice to drive an SUV, understand, but also realize that we have six people in our family and it is either an SUV or a mini van. We had driven mini vans from 1999 to 2006 when we upgraded to the SUV. SUV's are terrible when it comes to gas mileage! It costs somewhere around $70 to fill my tank up these days. To make a long story short, he is going to consume a tank of gas a week compared to a tank of gas a month. Our budget doesn't have room for this!! And there will be no raise. He was informed, however, that there is the possibility of a promotion by Christmas. Yes, you read that right. It is March and they are promising something by the end of the year. Talk about stupid.

I am totally at a loss on what to do right now. First thing I did was message my friend April, but she is visiting her Mom in the mountains and cannot get on line to IM with me (which btw, I totally understand) then I called my sister, Jackie. She said she would pray. What else is there to say anyways? So I call my Mom, I guess I was looking for a little bit of Motherly love and advice. Who was I kidding??? She has never really given me any of that in the past. So when she responded with "oh, honey, I wish there was something that I could do to help you out but our money is just so tight and with Angela's wedding coming up and all...." ugh!! As if I was calling to ask for money. I just wanted her to listen. To say she was sorry. To understand.

In a moment of true desperation, I called my Mother in Law. Do you know she told me to put my kids in school and get a job?! After the last blog, you probably aren't surprised by that one, are you?.....

So here's the thing. Why doesn't anybody understand the reason why I cannot get a job? First of all, almost any place I go is going to start me out at minimum wage. IF I am lucky enough to get a job that is full time, I MIGHT bring home something like $150 a week after taxes. What am I supposed to do with Camryn? She isn't old enough for school. And then what am I to do with the older three when school is out and I am still at work?? See, no one thinks of this. Well, let me tell you, the cost of childcare is OUTRAGEOUS!!! I called one place not long after we moved down here, simply because my kids were driving me crazy and do you know they wanted to charge me something like $240 a week?! So I would be working for what???...... appearantly I would be working to still owe them $90 a week. Not gonna happen!

And then there is the fact that we only have one vehicle. So if I got a job (which I guess everyone is thinking they are passing out jobs on the street corners these days) then we would have to get a second car. So there is more money going out for the car. Oh, and then there is the added insurance. And the added expense of more money for gas for the second car.

So, does anyone else now see what I live with??
And do you think it is all rosey and stained glass windows here in this house all day long with four strongwilled, stubborn little girls?....NOT!! My life is not a picnic.
It is quite stressful to keep up on laundry and cleaning as it is, but to be properly educating all four of them is very time consuming.
(and someone had to go and add a kitten to the mix....ahem.....)
It is so hard to always be the perfect wife.
To try to do it all myself.
And to be trapped here, day in and day out, with no one to talk to and no where to go......

I know my strength comes from the Lord. It is in moments like these when I can hear Him speak to me, ever so gently "my child, why do you turn from me. Why don't you call me, cry on my shoulder? I long to hold you, to comfort you. This too shall pass. Trust me."
I know. I know. I understand and I don't know why I turn away from Him. My maker and the keeper of my soul. I guess it is easier to turn inwards, to cry outwards, to take the weight of the world on my own shoulders so I can cry "oh, poor me".

I am sure I will be looking back on this learning experience one day and shaking my head at this version of myself. I will be older and wiser. Hopefully I will have learned to turn to the Lord FIRST with my problems. :)

Why should I feel guilty?

A few weeks ago my In Law's came down from Indiana for a long weekend. Promptly after hugging all the girls, my Father in Law exclaims "well, everyone is old enough to go to school next year, so that way your Mom can go out and get herself a job!"

EXCUSE ME....WHAT?!

I was so offended. Now, he has repeatedly offended me over the years when he degrades Teachers and complains about how useless we are. Doesn't he realize that is where I met his son in the first place? That if I wasn't going to College to be a Teacher, we never would have met and he wouldn't have these beautiful Grandkids in the first place??

This one statement set the tone for their entire visit. In fact, it still bothers me today. It is our choice to homeschool. Mine and Jim's. Are there days where I wish I was part of the public work force? I'm not going to lie, yes there are, but MONEY isn't everything.

And if he would step back, shut is yapper and think, our girls are so much better off then they were a year ago. Everyone is healthy, happy and wise. Why mess with that! SHEESH!!

Getting a jump on Spring!

Last week I was browsing in the Lawn and Garden Department at Wal Mart. To be quite honest, I was looking for porch furniture....just don't anyone tell the hubby, at least not yet, he has to think it was his idea in order to buy it! lol....

Anyhow, I was so overwhelmed with all the "simple" ways to start any kind of gardens or potted plants that you could imagine. The girls and I decided to plant some flowers and watch them, thinking we could use it as a Science experiment. You see, I don't do too bad with things OUTDOORS, but inside - well, let's just say my green thumb is more black than anything!

We kept changing our minds. I have always adored wildflowers, there is nothing like them for me in the entire world. They are the picture of innocence and beauty all wrapped in one! So when I saw a boxed kit for a potted butterfly garden, I was "hooked".

It was the best purchase for only $5. When we got our treasure chest home, we were thrilled to see all that was inside. We didn't need to add anything but water and love. So we did just that, a week ago Friday. By the way, the girls have named it "Johnny Smith Appleseed". And I have found them singing to it at least a dozen times a day. The seeds sprouted within three days. I am thinking we will have some flowers before the end of March. :)

HiS eYeS

My husband has been a diagnosed diabetic for almost ten years. Over the past decade he has sometimes followed Doctor's orders and other times he has not. He has also been an on again off again smoker. Mostly on again. I cannot get him to stop.

Things are finally starting to catch up with him because two weeks ago during a routine eye exam he was told he has "diabetic retinopathy". From the little bit of research I have done on the internet and the short chat I had with the opthamologist, I learned that this diabetic condition is the leading cause of blindness in the United States! It is when the blood vessels in the eyes swell and may even bleed. They form clots near the macula. The macula is the part of your eye that controls your sight.

He has already been told that his right eye is far worse than the left one. The clots are so very close to his macula in the right eye. Last week he started seeing an eye specialist for aggressive therapy on his eyes. This Doctor is actually giving him shots in the eye! He had three in the right eye last week and now three in the left eye this past week. He goes back for a check up in two weeks. And follow up visits with more shots after that. All said and done, if they don't start to improve then a decision will be made in May about laser surgery.

You would think that going through all of this would make him follow his diet. It would make him take his meds like he should. It would make him check his sugar at least ONCE a day. But NO! NO!! He still eats practially whatever he wants, whenever he wants. And if I won't make it he gets really mad. I know what he is craving is not at all what he should be eating. That is part of the disease. I don't know what it will take for him to wake up!

All I know is that is scares me to even remotely think of living without him. To watch our children grow and not have him by my side. Raising four daughters is hard work, and it was something we had dreamt of doing together. This condition is something I never really thought of......I knew he could have complications with his diabetes but even that I didn't expect to happen until we were OLD. Like 70 or something.

I have decided to take a positive look on it, though. Why sit and dwell on the negative. If we pray and have a positive attitude than it doesn't hurt so bad, right? I know my God is bigger than this!!

bedtime blues

I love each of my girls dearly. My intent is to do as much as I can with them, as often as I can. They grow up so quickly. I already feel as if time is slipping away. My memories of my Mom spending time with me are few and far between, she worked a lot. When she wasn't working, she was sleeping, especially the older I got. I do remember that she would take us and drop us off at the ballpark, the skating rink and even the YMCA for gymnastics. She would do other things while we were there and then come to pick us up when she was done.

There were many weekend nights that I remember playing games together as a family. We used to play card games like UNO and SKIP-BO as well as board games, like Monopoly, LIFE and Clue. The thing is, they would always "go" the same way. She would make chex mix or have some kind of snacks and sodas. Inevitably, someone would always spill their drink. That would then be the end of the game. No kidding. My Mom would go into some huge rage and just dump everything off the table and put it in the boxes and that was that. And don't you dare think about crying.....lol.

I have vowed to do it differently with my girls. We have an entire cupboard full of nothing but games. Board games, puzzles, card games, silly games like (ants in the pants & don't spill the beans). You get the idea. We havent' even begun to play them all. I like to play the ones where they can all participate. My younger two are not quite old enough to understand the concept of some games yet. Although the board game companies have gotten smart and invented "young" versions of adult favorites, which we did purchase monoploly jr. That is hilarious to play!!

Anyhow, one of my neighbor's brought over two board games Saturday. One is LIFE and the other is SORRY. We played SORRY right away. OH, my! lol....that was fun, but I think the next time it will just be the older two girls. We waited to play LIFE until yesterday. Yesterday was Martin Luther King day, and although public school was not in session, we still kept our regular school schedule. When we were done for the day, we played LIFE. Carson ended up winning. I am so glad I didn't play, I was only the banker. Do you know I actually had to keep track of things on a seperate peice of paper??? They have changed things with that game since I was a kid. It does make things more interesting.....this is definately one of those games when you want to follow the age limit on the box. SEVEN years old and up!!

So, I was frustrated to say the least. But somehow we managed. It totally blew my mind, too, that whoever had originally purchased this game had never even used it. How do I know? All the peices were still intact on the little plastic bars and the cards and such were still sealed in their little bags. Who would do such a thing when the game sells for like $35 at the store.

Enough said. My kids were tired. Between an entire school day, playing a game AND running around the playground for about an hour. I figured they would all but pass out when I tucked them in. They did the normal routine. About ten minutes after "tuck in" they all, one by one, miraculously have to "potty" one more time. Next comes the round of dehydration - you know, just one more drink. After chasing them all back to bed for what feels like the millionth time, my five year old sneaks back out to the sofa to sit beside me. Fighting back the urge to yell at her, I decide to ignore her and see what she does. She crawls right up under my left arm and snuggles with me. I stroke her hair, gently, and ask her why she isn't sleeping yet. Do you know what her response is?

"Mommy. I am not tired. Yep, how can I be tired?? I haven't yawned once all day!" Kids!!

peanut...peanut butter!

This is being created outta sheer craziness.
Haven't you always wondered what kind of peanut butter is the best? The tastiest?? The "peanuttiest"????
Who hasn't? lol

One of my husband's employees brought him a ton of peanut butter a week or so before Christmas. She said she gets wic, and she just had so much peanut butter piling up at home. It is just her and her daughter so they don't use very much of it. She figured with four kids, we could probably use it up.

I have always been rather "choosy" with my peanut butter. If you know your slogans, then you know what kind I always buy. This lady purchased every kind. It was like something out of a movie, where someone had never heard of peanut butter, so they got every kind.

So, naturally my first reaction was "ew".
Then I got a plan to do a taste test. lol
We tried Skippy, Peter Pan, Jif and low fat Jif.
My kids hadn't had the first two brands, ever, in their lives.
They decided when they tried PP that they felt as if they could fly :)

In conclusion, I will still stick with my jif.
However, the low fat version is peanuttier, in my opinion.
YAY peanut butter!!

changes

Woah! I am looking back on the first four blogs and I must say I notice a serious side of myself. I am usually not that serious. I guess I just had a lot on my mind that I needed to "get out". lol. From here on out, my blogs will have far less "doom and gloom" themes to them.

Starting with RIGHT NOW! I have always loved the South, and living here is like a dream come true. I never realized how tropical the South Carolina coast can be. I am used to this time of year being jeans and sweaters accompanied by hats, gloves, scarves, heavy coats and/or boots. The need to store extra blankets in the back of my car, making certain I have my snow scraper and a can or two of de-icer.

Currently, I am wearing shorts and a tshirt in my house. My windows are open. There is a nice breeze blowing through. Most likely the only snow I will be seeing this winter is on the weather channel. Do I miss it? Hell no!

Although I am not a photographer by nature, I am a "picture junkie" with my digital camera. I love to watch the sky when there is a threat of a thunderstorm. So, I am going to post a picture I took just two days ago. The clouds were moving ever so quickly. We had a threat of storms all day long, but actually experienced just some light rain that evening.

(as a side note, if anyone can help me figure out how to place pictures in other parts of you blog, like HERE instead of at the top, I would greatly appreciate it! :) thanks)

Courtney

I have a sixteen year old stepdaughter that I have never seen or spoken to. It literally tears me up inside. I have seen pictures of her and she is so beautiful, I am getting to know her via emails but it isn't the same as a personal relationship. It is easy to get to know a stranger that way, and in a way right now Courtney is a stranger to us, but I wanted so much more. I feel she needs us to be so much more than "computer buddies".

You see, when I first met Jim he was already what some would consider "damaged goods". Yes, he had "been around the block a few times". When he was sixteen, his girlfriend became pregnant. Now - stop there for a moment. I must get up on my little soapbox, if you please.

I DO NOT FOR ONE MOMENT THINK THAT TEENAGE PREGNANCY IS OKAY. IT IS NOT THE GIRLS FAULT ANYMORE THAN IT IS THE BOYS FAULT, UNLESS A RAPE IS INVOLVED. FOR ME, ABORTION IS OUT OF THE QUESTION. TEENAGE MARRIAGE, IN MY OPINION, IS A POOR CHOICE AS WELL - UNLESS THE COUPLE HAVE A RARE AND INTENSE HISTORY. I THINK ADOPTION IS A GREAT CHOICE OR ELSE HAVING AND RAISING THE CHILD WITH THE HELP OF ALL PARTIES INVOLVED.

Off my soapbox now. Unfortunately for baby Courtney, born back in 1991, neither set of her Grandparents felt the same way as I do. In fact, what happened was very sad. My husband was forbidden to ever see her Mother or have any kind of contact with her again. By both sets of Grandparents. Her Mom moved out and tried to make it on her own, still a kid herself.

When Jim and I first started dating, he was up front with me about all of this. I cried. I had been told that I have endometriosis and could never have children. So to think that he had a kid and that maybe we could find her and adopt her was just mind blowing! When we moved to Indiana in 1996, that became one of my goals. To find Courtney's Mom and become part of Courtney's life. It was virtually impossible.

Little did we know what that child had been through and was going through at that time. Now, I will not admit that I know everything but from what she has told me, during her young years her Mom did not make the best choices for herself......the men she "shacked up" with abused Courtney. Both physically and sexually. The poor, poor baby. In 1998, after our first baby was born, Courtney's Mom contacted us. She had seen Peyton's birth announcement and followed some kind of trail and it led her straight to Little Ceasar's where Jim was a manager.

She said that she had signed over her rites to her Parents and they needed Jim to do the same so that they could formally adopt Courtney. They were already raising her as their own child anyways. I argued with Jim that she belonged with us if her Mom didn't want her. I wanted her. She was seven years old by this point. So Jim agreed to meet with the social worker on the case and find out what he could. The social worker told him that she was very pretty and it was no denying who her Daddy was, they had the same big brown eyes. He even managed to get Jim a picture of her.

He explained to Jim that Courtney had been through far more than any adult could handle and that he and the courts really felt it was best not to disturb her any more than she had already been. They were pushing for the adoption by her Grandparents. HOWEVER, since no one had been able to locate Jim because we had lived in Florida for so long, they said all he had to do was attend their recommended Parenting classes and pay back child support, and Courtney was ours. Boy did I want him to do that, but we had just started a family of our own and neither of us could see how we would manage back child support. That was such a tough decision to make.

During this time, I had a wonderful job offer in Ohio and we decided that moving and starting over was in our best interest. I had just found out I was expecting Carson (so much for that Doctor saying I couldn't have kids, huh?) and if I could find someone willing to hire me with one baby and one on the way then I was gonna jump aboard that train! LOL.....

After we moved, Jim was served papers to sign over his rites to Courtney. We both cried. How fitting that the hearing was scheduled the day after Thanksgiving. So we made plans to go to Indiana for the long Holiday weekend. I remember talking about it on the way there and how much I wanted him to contest it at the hearing. He wanted to, but in his heart he said he always felt as though that counselor was right and it was best to just let go.

We had never seen or heard from any of that family again. Jim was always looking up her Granpa's name, trying to at least find out where they lived. Over the years, we ended up with four children - ironically, all girls. This past Summer, on a whim, I looked up Courtney on myspace. I never in a million years expected to find her, yet there she was. I cried. When Jim got home I showed him and he denied it. He was in such shock that he didn't think it was as easy as that. But he messaged her and she replied and they have been talking back and forth ever since.

I will never forget the day she messaged him and gave him a day and time to call her, when no one else would be home. He cried after that phone call and had a smile plastered to his face for about two days straight. It was such a happy time. She has been saying for a few months about how she wants to tell her Grandparents about us, but doesn't know how. Yesterday she emailed Jim and asked him to call there and get it out in the open. He tried to get up the nerve to do it for about five hours. Finally, he called but when the Grandpa answered he hung up. So I ended up calling. I couldn't stand to see him torture himself any more over this.

I could never imagine in my wildest dreams that someone could be so cold hearted. I acted as if I wasn't sure it was the right phone number and then I introduced myself and told him what I wanted. He said that he was not going to allow us to get to know her, to "just leave the past in the past" and curtly, cruedly....he said "and PLEASE never call here again". And then he hung up. My heart hurt. I couldn't look at my husband. The tears just streamed down my face.

Where do we go from here? She is sixteen, isn't that old enough to make her own decision anyhow? There is nothing on paper from the courts that says he is not allowed to have any kind of contact with her. This is by far the saddest thing that has happened to us over the years. I longed to help this girl out. She needs someone who Mother's her.....someone to hold her when she is sad, when she breaks up with a boy, when she feels as if the world is closing in on her. Most of all, she needs Jesus. And I wanted to be the one there for her. I cannot stand all this drama and I just wonder why the Lord would allow us to find her and then let this happen. My poor husband is so depressed. He keeps saying that he knew Phillip hated him, he just didn't know how much. So, who carries around a 17 year old grudge like that. I mean, so he got the girl pregnant back in 1990, that was a very long time ago.

All I know is this. I will love this child, no matter what. She has our address and our phone number. I am not in any way trying to encourage her to run away and live with us. I do not even think I can handle a teenager right now. But the thing is, if she needs us, we will be here and we will strive to do our very best by her. Courtney, we love you!!

Homo or Hetero.......yep, I'ma gonna go there.....

Alright, for blog #3 I am taking on something just a "wee bit" controversial. If you are afraid I will be stepping on your toes, than put on your steel toed boots! Here we go, kids!

Back in March of last year, one of my good friends blogged about "does God love gay ppl?" and wow did she get a TON of feedback! From both ends of the spectrum. Some ppl were very open with their responses while others stayed completely closed minded. There were several who quoted scriptures as to why gays and lesbians are wanted/unwanted in today's church. In fact, I just went back and "dug" through her archives and she has 80 (yes, eighty) comments!

The purpose of my blog is not about if God loves those who choose this lifestyle, but rather of something more profound. Being a Christian, I know that God loves ALL of us. He sent his son to Earth for the sole purpose of saving us from ourselves, providing us a choice of where we will be spending our eternity. Our lives here are just a mere drop in the bucket compared to our eternal ones.

Now I cannot say that I find these forms of alternate lifestyles acceptable. I do not know what I would ever do if one of my girls decided to be a lesbian or even a bisexual. I know I strive my best to deeply plant the word of God into their souls. To teach them what is right in the eyes of our Lord and saviour.

This is not to say that I don't have friends who are gay, lesbian and/or bisexual. I do. And I was their friend before they "came out" (which as a side note, is really a funny expression, don't ya think??) and I will still be their friend now. WHY? Because that is exactly what Jesus did! He was friends with the prostitutes, the sinners......the unloved, the unwanted.....the dirty, the unpopular......need I go on? Where in the Bible do you see Jesus in mansions and amoung kings/queens? NOWHERE....He came to seek and save that which was lost.

What does bother me is this: I have known at least three CHRISTIANS who have left their spouses (note : spouse = person of the opposite sex) for a same sex relationship! And one of them has even testified in the past about how she used to be a part of the lesbian/bisexual crowd and that the Lord saved her from the "pit of sin" she had fallen into and brought her into "the light". She was happily married for a decade and produced three of the most gorgeous children this Earth has ever seen.......now she is once again a practicing lesbian. She talks of this as if it is totally acceptable. Am I still her friend? yes....I just pray for her a little bit harder than I used to.

My point is - if my heart hurts over this, can you imagine what our heavenly Father's feels like?
I know the pain I feel when my girls know what is expected of them and yet they knowingly do the opposite. Can you see where I am going with this? Do you think that God sits up there on his throne in heaven just shaking his head.......holding his head in his hands, so to speak...asking himself "where did I go wrong with this one??"

I love my friend and I hope if she reads this she isn't offended. But you know what? I am tired of worrying about offending people, especially those who know the truth and still choose to ignore it out of thier own selfishness.

I think it is exactly this behavior that ruins our reputation as Christians. The world looks at us a little bit more skeptical. Like we are supposed to be "perfect" or close to it. So it is almost like you are running for President or something the way they hunt and peck, searching to find a fault in your life. Now whomever my friend has reached out to in the past will be doubting her every word. Why? Because she is not practicing what she preaches. She is succumbing to the desires of her flesh. And then comes the question of what kind of example is she setting for her children?.......

I know that I am not perfect, by all means I am not perfect. The Bible does say that whoever is without sin, cast the first stone. I am not casting, not screaming "REPENT, SINNERS!" But this has been weighing so heavily on my heart for months now and I just felt so strongly about getting it down on "paper" because it is a reflection of what I think my God feels.

Blog #2....my job, my life.....

Alright, as promised in the first blog, I am going to blog about my last job. I will try my best to be brief. For those who already know this story, you can either read it or pass it by....the choice is yours!

I began my career in Early Childhood directly after graduating from College in December of 1995. Having all intentions of going into the public school system but since it was mid year, the schools weren't hiring and since we only had one car at the time AND Jim was in school.....let's just say a lot was going on and the Lord blessed me with a full time job so my husband could quit one of his. Plus I got to work with my younger sister, Jackie so we rode to and from work together, sharing gas expenses.

We moved from Florida to Indiana to Ohio, and in each city I promptly found a job in some sort of a Preschool environment. My time at Pla N Stuf was fairly enjoyable; what job is perfect ALL the time? However, the majority of my career thus far was spent within the walls of Kiddie Day Care and Preschools. NINE years......three babies born during that time. WHEW!!

Let me tell ya what, I honestly didn't see myself working in a Preschool setting that long, but I was so very good at my job. Within less than 18 months timing, I had worked in almost every department and was given a raise and promoted to the Center Administrator. I was juggling two babies by then, Peyton was not quite two years old and Carson was about nine months. My life was busy. And it stayed that way. Work, home, babies.....my life! But I loved it!!

I treated each and every child at the Center's as my own. Yes, Center's. For awhile I worked at two. I was considered the "Head Administrator" after a few years, since I knew everything about each Center, and most employees. I made decisions without the help of the Owners. I knew what their thought process was, for the most part.

Doing payroll isn't too bad.....doing Parent pay records, whew...not an easy task. Beggin Parents to pay AND getting them to pay and on time - that is indeed a challenge. Trying to follow each rule set out by the State governing childcare is not totally impossible. It is very difficult when your boss won't pay for overtime, yet wants things perfect. My boss was a perfectionist. He believed that the children should play but the at the end of each day the Center should look as "pristine" as the day it was built! LOL

So let's discuss my boss and the reason I just up and quit my job one day and didn't ever show my face in there again. Since we have already determined that I loved my job and was very good at what I did, shall we?

Mr Callahan was a very demanding person to work for. I put in a lot of time "off the clock" and he didn't seem to care, as long as things got done according to his liking. So basically I was overworked and underpaid, to say the least. Also there was the underappreciated thing. He felt as if he gave me free day care so he could use me and abuse me, anytime, day or night.

I was called at home as late as ten PM and as early as 5 AM. For stupid, piddly crap that actually could've waited until I was at work. He didn't care. I was at home at night, taking care of my children; cooking and cleaning, bathing, homework....you know, the usual Mommy chores
and he would either call or show up. This was something my husband didn't like at all. But I tolerated it because I was bringing home a paycheck and I was actually using my degree.

Things changed for me when I felt as if he were hitting on me. In December of 2005 he decided that the gifts he wanted to get his Administrators needed to be personal so he and Mrs Callahan took the three of us to lunch and shopping. Yes, it was during the work week so we did at least get paid for this, except the hour for lunch. He kept on and on until we got something for a total price of $100. Both of the other girls tried on clothes for him and he purchased them all kinds of items to wear. I decided I was going to get a nice winter coat. He was pissed and said that he and I would go ALONE the next day. I insisted on the coat, finally he gave in.

In March he told me of a dream he had about kissing me. Yes, you read that right. He asked me how I felt about it and I said that I thought it was really inappropriate.

In May I found out I was pregnant. I had told no one, but did call from the work phone to make my first ob/gyn appointment. My boss met me that day for lunch and kept questioning me about my personal life until I broke down and told him of the upcoming baby and how I felt that there was absolutely NO WAY I would be able to continue my employment with five children in tow. Can you imagine? Well, he basically went crazy on me and followed me and called me until he drove me insane. When I was almost nine weeks along, I ended up having a miscarriage. I still think it had something to do with all the stress he put on me.

In July he told me that I didn't need to take my vacation as planned with my husband. He said that he and his wife deserved a vacation and that every year I had ruined it. This so was not true. He hardly ever worked and they took at least two trips out to Arizona each year. I started to object and he actually told me to stop acting like a toddler. About two weeks later, he called me at home and wanted to know why I didn't have any bags for the vaccuum cleaners at the Center. He also wanted to know where all the non disposable spoons were that he purchsed
with the fundraiser monies to save money for the Center in the long run.

When I tried to explain myself, he just kept interrupting and calling me names. He demanded that I payroll deduct the cost of new spoons from my paycheck the next day. He also told me to go to Wal Mart on my way to work in the morning and purchase the bags for the vaccuum cleaner on the Center's Sams club card. I tried to explain to him that I would do no such thing. He ended up hanging up on me.

Try to picture this. I am in the middle of the Dollar store, buying toilet paper. It is about 7:30 at night. I have all four of my kids with me. Now I am crying. NOT GOOD......so I try to compose myself, pay for the toilet paper and barely make it to my car. I call Jim and leave him a message. I am close to hyperventilating by this point. Out of anger, mostly. Nothing sucks worse than being falsely accused of something and not being able to defend yourself.

My husband called me back. By then I was home. He demanded home and cell numbers for my boss and he said I was never going back there and he would take care of things. Oh, did I mention that my boss, in anger, told me that if I were a man he would take me outside and beat me? Yep, because he was so frustrated. Steve and his lovely wife, Bonnie, denied most of what my husband asked about. All the reasons I quit. He basically called me a liar to my husband's face. Like Jim would believe that one.

Anyhow, believe it or not, that is the ABBREVIATED version of the story. Sadly, I still miss that place. :(

New Year..."the first day of the rest of our lives"

oK, so this is my very first online blog. Well, except for all the ones that I have previously done on myspace. LOL. So, I am a little bit nervous. Bare with me.

"Today is the first day of the rest of my life."
When I was a little girl, I had a plaque that said that on it. I had no idea at the age of ten what it meant, but I liked the picture on it. As I grew older, it made more sense. I have had MANY first days of the rest of my life.

There was the first day of High School, which I dreaded would become the rest of my life. Then there was College, which I prayed was the rest of my life. And then marriage.....ah, the rest of my life? Children - quickly BRINGING me to life!!!

So every December 31st we hope and pray just that - the first day of the rest of our lives. We vow to change, to re arrange. To do better, do more. Lose weight. Spend more time with the family. Pay bills on time. Call home more. Get better grades. Find a better paying job. Pay our bills on time. Heck, just PAY BILLS. :P

I must say, though, this past year was definately one that I was glad to let go of. It seems like every year is harder than the one before. Not long after the start of 2006, we had our car stolen. Talk about wanting a "do over"! In May I had a miscarriage. In July, after almost ten years of employment, I quit my job. (this is another blog all by itself, so it will be my #2). The best thing about 2006 was that Jim (husband) decided on a career change which led us down the path of happiness.............or so we thought.

So even though December 31, 2006 was whisked away and January 1, 2007 held the promise of a brighter tomorrow - sadly, it wasn't as great as it "smelled". I must say that 2007 was definately a year of change for us! Due to my husbands WONDERFUL new job, we had to relocate a thousand miles from home. From family. I had to take my children away from the only life they ever knew. They could no longer see Grandma whenever they wanted.

In February, we said "goodbye" to our house. The one we had struggled so long and so hard to get. I loved that house. I have pictures of it. I vowed to never purchase another home again. It was too heartbreaking to put that much time, hard work and love into something you can so easily lose.

We moved from Northeast Ohio to North Myrtle Beach South Carolina. We traded snow for sun. Tropical location. The beach is only a few miles away. Now, don't misunderstand, I adore the ocean. There is no better sound to me than the waves crashing on the shore. I love to go there early in the mornings and watch the day unfold. It is like a gift from God. Although I know it wouldn't happen, I can almost see the angels lining up like they do in that movie with Nicholas Cage.

Upon moving we researched the school system and couldn't believe how much different things are done down South. The schools are spread out and the children go to a new building every two years. They would each ride seperate buses. I know that happens all the time, but our girls are so very close and I just didn't think my five year old would get on a bus alone. She is too shy. Given that and the different locations of the schools, we decided to try homeschooling. I will admit, at first I was skeptical. Then I met some people on line who homeschool and it is not as scarey or as hard as it sounds! We had a "bumpy" start, but now my kids beg to do school. They don't even like to have days off. They want to do something each day, even if it is just flash cards or researching.

All is well and good at the beach, no?! So in April we got a surprise visit from Jim's sister and her family. That ended in disaster (again, perhaps another blog will be in order, so this will be #3). In July we were treated to visits from both my Parents and Jim's. It was also during this time that we had "found" his daughter, Courtney. He has never seen this child. (again, another blog, so already that will be #4) By September, we were feeling a bit homesick and when he had vacation, we traveled to Indiana to visit. We then decided that possibly South Carolina was NOT the right place for us and thought about moving.

Of course, it was right after this trip that Jim was robbed at gun point in his restaraunt. He is pretty sure it was an ex employee. They knew how to get into the store, where the walk in cooler was located as well as a storage closet. He had a shotgun put to his head and all the money demanded. Later on, we found out the gun was loaded and cocked. THANK GOD he cooperated!

With Christmas quickly approaching and barely enough money coming in to cover all our bills, we quickly fell behind on a lot of things. I found myself missing meals and praying that things would somehow change. A wonderful couple from a local church contacted us and said they wanted to bless our family for the holiday. Our kids would have a Christmas after all! It ended up being better than any of the ones we had ever provided for them in the past. Praise the Lord for even the small things!

At his work party, Jim's district manager said they were sory to be seeing him transfer up North and that if he decided to stay here instead, good things were in store for him. We talked about it, prayed about it and together we decided that it is worth the effort. So, we are staying put. With the possibility of a raise and/or a promotion in his future, things are looking a little bit brighter.

So we let go of 2007 to make way for 2008. Possibly the year for changes. The year things get better.......
"the first day of the rest of our lives"!!