Courtney

I have a sixteen year old stepdaughter that I have never seen or spoken to. It literally tears me up inside. I have seen pictures of her and she is so beautiful, I am getting to know her via emails but it isn't the same as a personal relationship. It is easy to get to know a stranger that way, and in a way right now Courtney is a stranger to us, but I wanted so much more. I feel she needs us to be so much more than "computer buddies".

You see, when I first met Jim he was already what some would consider "damaged goods". Yes, he had "been around the block a few times". When he was sixteen, his girlfriend became pregnant. Now - stop there for a moment. I must get up on my little soapbox, if you please.

I DO NOT FOR ONE MOMENT THINK THAT TEENAGE PREGNANCY IS OKAY. IT IS NOT THE GIRLS FAULT ANYMORE THAN IT IS THE BOYS FAULT, UNLESS A RAPE IS INVOLVED. FOR ME, ABORTION IS OUT OF THE QUESTION. TEENAGE MARRIAGE, IN MY OPINION, IS A POOR CHOICE AS WELL - UNLESS THE COUPLE HAVE A RARE AND INTENSE HISTORY. I THINK ADOPTION IS A GREAT CHOICE OR ELSE HAVING AND RAISING THE CHILD WITH THE HELP OF ALL PARTIES INVOLVED.

Off my soapbox now. Unfortunately for baby Courtney, born back in 1991, neither set of her Grandparents felt the same way as I do. In fact, what happened was very sad. My husband was forbidden to ever see her Mother or have any kind of contact with her again. By both sets of Grandparents. Her Mom moved out and tried to make it on her own, still a kid herself.

When Jim and I first started dating, he was up front with me about all of this. I cried. I had been told that I have endometriosis and could never have children. So to think that he had a kid and that maybe we could find her and adopt her was just mind blowing! When we moved to Indiana in 1996, that became one of my goals. To find Courtney's Mom and become part of Courtney's life. It was virtually impossible.

Little did we know what that child had been through and was going through at that time. Now, I will not admit that I know everything but from what she has told me, during her young years her Mom did not make the best choices for herself......the men she "shacked up" with abused Courtney. Both physically and sexually. The poor, poor baby. In 1998, after our first baby was born, Courtney's Mom contacted us. She had seen Peyton's birth announcement and followed some kind of trail and it led her straight to Little Ceasar's where Jim was a manager.

She said that she had signed over her rites to her Parents and they needed Jim to do the same so that they could formally adopt Courtney. They were already raising her as their own child anyways. I argued with Jim that she belonged with us if her Mom didn't want her. I wanted her. She was seven years old by this point. So Jim agreed to meet with the social worker on the case and find out what he could. The social worker told him that she was very pretty and it was no denying who her Daddy was, they had the same big brown eyes. He even managed to get Jim a picture of her.

He explained to Jim that Courtney had been through far more than any adult could handle and that he and the courts really felt it was best not to disturb her any more than she had already been. They were pushing for the adoption by her Grandparents. HOWEVER, since no one had been able to locate Jim because we had lived in Florida for so long, they said all he had to do was attend their recommended Parenting classes and pay back child support, and Courtney was ours. Boy did I want him to do that, but we had just started a family of our own and neither of us could see how we would manage back child support. That was such a tough decision to make.

During this time, I had a wonderful job offer in Ohio and we decided that moving and starting over was in our best interest. I had just found out I was expecting Carson (so much for that Doctor saying I couldn't have kids, huh?) and if I could find someone willing to hire me with one baby and one on the way then I was gonna jump aboard that train! LOL.....

After we moved, Jim was served papers to sign over his rites to Courtney. We both cried. How fitting that the hearing was scheduled the day after Thanksgiving. So we made plans to go to Indiana for the long Holiday weekend. I remember talking about it on the way there and how much I wanted him to contest it at the hearing. He wanted to, but in his heart he said he always felt as though that counselor was right and it was best to just let go.

We had never seen or heard from any of that family again. Jim was always looking up her Granpa's name, trying to at least find out where they lived. Over the years, we ended up with four children - ironically, all girls. This past Summer, on a whim, I looked up Courtney on myspace. I never in a million years expected to find her, yet there she was. I cried. When Jim got home I showed him and he denied it. He was in such shock that he didn't think it was as easy as that. But he messaged her and she replied and they have been talking back and forth ever since.

I will never forget the day she messaged him and gave him a day and time to call her, when no one else would be home. He cried after that phone call and had a smile plastered to his face for about two days straight. It was such a happy time. She has been saying for a few months about how she wants to tell her Grandparents about us, but doesn't know how. Yesterday she emailed Jim and asked him to call there and get it out in the open. He tried to get up the nerve to do it for about five hours. Finally, he called but when the Grandpa answered he hung up. So I ended up calling. I couldn't stand to see him torture himself any more over this.

I could never imagine in my wildest dreams that someone could be so cold hearted. I acted as if I wasn't sure it was the right phone number and then I introduced myself and told him what I wanted. He said that he was not going to allow us to get to know her, to "just leave the past in the past" and curtly, cruedly....he said "and PLEASE never call here again". And then he hung up. My heart hurt. I couldn't look at my husband. The tears just streamed down my face.

Where do we go from here? She is sixteen, isn't that old enough to make her own decision anyhow? There is nothing on paper from the courts that says he is not allowed to have any kind of contact with her. This is by far the saddest thing that has happened to us over the years. I longed to help this girl out. She needs someone who Mother's her.....someone to hold her when she is sad, when she breaks up with a boy, when she feels as if the world is closing in on her. Most of all, she needs Jesus. And I wanted to be the one there for her. I cannot stand all this drama and I just wonder why the Lord would allow us to find her and then let this happen. My poor husband is so depressed. He keeps saying that he knew Phillip hated him, he just didn't know how much. So, who carries around a 17 year old grudge like that. I mean, so he got the girl pregnant back in 1990, that was a very long time ago.

All I know is this. I will love this child, no matter what. She has our address and our phone number. I am not in any way trying to encourage her to run away and live with us. I do not even think I can handle a teenager right now. But the thing is, if she needs us, we will be here and we will strive to do our very best by her. Courtney, we love you!!