Sometimes I just gotta vent!

Where to start....where to start......hmmmmmm.
Ok, well, I have been stuck between a rock and a hard place for awhile now. Jim's health has really been on my mind. He has to go back to the eye specialist tomorrow and see if these darn shots are even doing any good. You know, the shots that the insurance refuses to cover because they are labled "experimental"? Yeah, those. So if they are working, we start another round. If they aren't working, we discuss other options. Please, God, I pray they work! I love my husband and I want him to continue to see his children grow. With the "wonderful" insurance plan we have, I would have to imagine they won't be covering the surgery anyways.

The latest drama in my life began yesterday afternoon. Well, actually it sort of began unknowingly on Wednesday evening. Jim's boss (Jeff) told him that there were going to be some major management changes and almost all the assistants were trading places throughout the district. As my husband got all in an uproar, Jeff assured him that he was not going anywhere. So imagine our surprise and dismay when he is informed only three days later that he is, in fact, being transferred. He felt so deceived by Jeff.

The worst part of this mess is that the store they are sending him to is almost 30 miles away. One way. So every day he has to travel 60 some odd miles to go to and from work. Now, it is our choice to drive an SUV, understand, but also realize that we have six people in our family and it is either an SUV or a mini van. We had driven mini vans from 1999 to 2006 when we upgraded to the SUV. SUV's are terrible when it comes to gas mileage! It costs somewhere around $70 to fill my tank up these days. To make a long story short, he is going to consume a tank of gas a week compared to a tank of gas a month. Our budget doesn't have room for this!! And there will be no raise. He was informed, however, that there is the possibility of a promotion by Christmas. Yes, you read that right. It is March and they are promising something by the end of the year. Talk about stupid.

I am totally at a loss on what to do right now. First thing I did was message my friend April, but she is visiting her Mom in the mountains and cannot get on line to IM with me (which btw, I totally understand) then I called my sister, Jackie. She said she would pray. What else is there to say anyways? So I call my Mom, I guess I was looking for a little bit of Motherly love and advice. Who was I kidding??? She has never really given me any of that in the past. So when she responded with "oh, honey, I wish there was something that I could do to help you out but our money is just so tight and with Angela's wedding coming up and all...." ugh!! As if I was calling to ask for money. I just wanted her to listen. To say she was sorry. To understand.

In a moment of true desperation, I called my Mother in Law. Do you know she told me to put my kids in school and get a job?! After the last blog, you probably aren't surprised by that one, are you?.....

So here's the thing. Why doesn't anybody understand the reason why I cannot get a job? First of all, almost any place I go is going to start me out at minimum wage. IF I am lucky enough to get a job that is full time, I MIGHT bring home something like $150 a week after taxes. What am I supposed to do with Camryn? She isn't old enough for school. And then what am I to do with the older three when school is out and I am still at work?? See, no one thinks of this. Well, let me tell you, the cost of childcare is OUTRAGEOUS!!! I called one place not long after we moved down here, simply because my kids were driving me crazy and do you know they wanted to charge me something like $240 a week?! So I would be working for what???...... appearantly I would be working to still owe them $90 a week. Not gonna happen!

And then there is the fact that we only have one vehicle. So if I got a job (which I guess everyone is thinking they are passing out jobs on the street corners these days) then we would have to get a second car. So there is more money going out for the car. Oh, and then there is the added insurance. And the added expense of more money for gas for the second car.

So, does anyone else now see what I live with??
And do you think it is all rosey and stained glass windows here in this house all day long with four strongwilled, stubborn little girls?....NOT!! My life is not a picnic.
It is quite stressful to keep up on laundry and cleaning as it is, but to be properly educating all four of them is very time consuming.
(and someone had to go and add a kitten to the mix....ahem.....)
It is so hard to always be the perfect wife.
To try to do it all myself.
And to be trapped here, day in and day out, with no one to talk to and no where to go......

I know my strength comes from the Lord. It is in moments like these when I can hear Him speak to me, ever so gently "my child, why do you turn from me. Why don't you call me, cry on my shoulder? I long to hold you, to comfort you. This too shall pass. Trust me."
I know. I know. I understand and I don't know why I turn away from Him. My maker and the keeper of my soul. I guess it is easier to turn inwards, to cry outwards, to take the weight of the world on my own shoulders so I can cry "oh, poor me".

I am sure I will be looking back on this learning experience one day and shaking my head at this version of myself. I will be older and wiser. Hopefully I will have learned to turn to the Lord FIRST with my problems. :)