My stepdaughter and her boyfriend had a little baby boy in May. His name is Hunter. That makes me a "Grammy".
This year has been a BIG year for me! In March I turned 40. In May, my oldest daughter took us into the next step of our parenting journey as she turned 13.
Now I have a little grandson.
WOW....... that's all I have for now. :)
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Welcome 2011, a year of new beginnings
I haven't blogged in a bajillion years. Is bajillion even a word? lol.
So many things have happend since my last blog. My brother in law passed away in July of 2009 of a sudden heart attack at home. My sister in law and her kids stayed with us for almost a month. Then I started back to work at headstart. We moved to a bigger, better apartment.
My husband was officially declared disabled last February. He got a decent sized check for backpay which we lived off of most of last Summer. I get laid off in the Summer so my income drops drastically. We didn't do as big of a vacation as we planned last year, but we did take the girls to Kings Island a couple times. The first time we stayed in a five star hotel suite, when it was time to leave our younger two girls just cried and cried.
We got a dog last February, he is so great for my huband! He is a boston terrier. We rescued him from the animal shelter. Sweet spirited and loving, his name is Deisel and he is four years old. He likes to play fetch and talk long walks.
My sister in law moved down the road and got a cute little house. Her kids are now going to a differnt school than ours, so we rarely see them anymore. She has been having terrible seizures and has taken at least two ambulance rides because of them. She still continues to drive, against doctor's orders.
This past July she started dating a man. We found out when she brought him and his five year old daughter to a family cookout. They broke up a week later. She told everyone it was because he got laid off from work, then she told me that it was because he was still married. Yikes. Well, since then his divorce became final, he got another job (and just was laid off the week after Christmas), moved in with her and the kids and today they got married! It's nice to see her happy and I pray that only good things are in store for their new family.
My school year is going well. I have a new assistant this year. Brand new. She was a former Parent. She has been studying her butt off for the bus test. She passed it and has a permit and now has to go for a big test to get her CDL. Let's hope it goes well, she goes this Wednesday. We have a field trip Friday to the Library and it would be really nice for her to drive us. :)
The younger two girls had their tonsils out over Christmas break. That is one nightmare I never want to repeat! Cam did great, and wanted to run around the house and eat normally by day two, which of course didn't happen. Pax had a lot of bleeding episodes and finally ended up having a second surgery because she had blood clots in the back of her throat. That was a tad bit on the scarey side. But they are both well now and back to school, rambunctious as ever.
I will be 40 in March, totally dreading that day. Definately taking some time off work and hope to do something special with my family.
My stepdaughter moved to Seattle in September with her grandma, sister and boyfriend. She found out she is expecting in May. Yesterday she went for an ultrasound and they discovered it is a boy. His name is going to be Hunter James Keith Barett, unless something changes. Courtney and Andrew are planning to save money and move back to Bakersfield by mid-March. I wish they would move here. They feel no support where they are and I would love to help them with their growing family.
Well, I guess that's all I got for catching up right now. More to come later.
So many things have happend since my last blog. My brother in law passed away in July of 2009 of a sudden heart attack at home. My sister in law and her kids stayed with us for almost a month. Then I started back to work at headstart. We moved to a bigger, better apartment.
My husband was officially declared disabled last February. He got a decent sized check for backpay which we lived off of most of last Summer. I get laid off in the Summer so my income drops drastically. We didn't do as big of a vacation as we planned last year, but we did take the girls to Kings Island a couple times. The first time we stayed in a five star hotel suite, when it was time to leave our younger two girls just cried and cried.
We got a dog last February, he is so great for my huband! He is a boston terrier. We rescued him from the animal shelter. Sweet spirited and loving, his name is Deisel and he is four years old. He likes to play fetch and talk long walks.
My sister in law moved down the road and got a cute little house. Her kids are now going to a differnt school than ours, so we rarely see them anymore. She has been having terrible seizures and has taken at least two ambulance rides because of them. She still continues to drive, against doctor's orders.
This past July she started dating a man. We found out when she brought him and his five year old daughter to a family cookout. They broke up a week later. She told everyone it was because he got laid off from work, then she told me that it was because he was still married. Yikes. Well, since then his divorce became final, he got another job (and just was laid off the week after Christmas), moved in with her and the kids and today they got married! It's nice to see her happy and I pray that only good things are in store for their new family.
My school year is going well. I have a new assistant this year. Brand new. She was a former Parent. She has been studying her butt off for the bus test. She passed it and has a permit and now has to go for a big test to get her CDL. Let's hope it goes well, she goes this Wednesday. We have a field trip Friday to the Library and it would be really nice for her to drive us. :)
The younger two girls had their tonsils out over Christmas break. That is one nightmare I never want to repeat! Cam did great, and wanted to run around the house and eat normally by day two, which of course didn't happen. Pax had a lot of bleeding episodes and finally ended up having a second surgery because she had blood clots in the back of her throat. That was a tad bit on the scarey side. But they are both well now and back to school, rambunctious as ever.
I will be 40 in March, totally dreading that day. Definately taking some time off work and hope to do something special with my family.
My stepdaughter moved to Seattle in September with her grandma, sister and boyfriend. She found out she is expecting in May. Yesterday she went for an ultrasound and they discovered it is a boy. His name is going to be Hunter James Keith Barett, unless something changes. Courtney and Andrew are planning to save money and move back to Bakersfield by mid-March. I wish they would move here. They feel no support where they are and I would love to help them with their growing family.
Well, I guess that's all I got for catching up right now. More to come later.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Dear Stepdaughter......
For almost a week now, I have been trying to put all my thoughts into words. You know you are very loved and wanted here. You also know I am not a phone person but a face to face person. All those phone calls about made me lose my mind. But I told you before and I'll tell you again, I will do ANYTHING for you. ANYTHING!!
There are so many things I want to tell you. You are still so young, even though you think you are a grown woman now and no one needs to tell you what to do. Honey, there are times where I STILL want my Mom around and I am 37! You need a Mother - whether it's your Grandma there or it's someone else who is a Mother figure. Appearantly you don't want me to be that person.......
Way back when your Dad and I were dating, he told me all about you and your Mom and the poor choices he made as a teenager. He cried. He had never been allowed to see you, forbidden to talk to your Mom. He told me then, before we were even a serious couple, that he wanted to find you. He wanted you all the way back then.
By the time we had married, moved and found you, circumstances had changed drastically for you. I shudder still at the horrible,unmentionable things you had undergone at such a young age. You will surely deal with many "demons" from those early years of your life. Only one person is really to blame.
This is why I am so hurt. Last week you begged me to help you. You said even if I couldn't help that you would understand. I feel like I have somehow let you down. Maybe it is just all of us being selfish. Perhaps your Dad and definately your Grandparents here just want to try to make up for the past when they weren't there. At least two of them wishes things would've went differently in 1990/91.
I kept my part of the bargain, though. I went "to bat" for you. Not only did I talk to your Grandparents here, but I also had half a dozen phone calls with the ones there. They do care about you, you know that, right? They want what's best for you. We all do.
In my opinion, your family out there wants to give you freedom and means well, but also still want you to abide by their rules. I think their rules are bogus! When your Grandpa told me what he considers "fair" for your curfew - I laughed at him. Yes, I laughed at him. He asked me why I laughed and I told him "that would never happen here. I think it is way over the top."
I've told you a little about my past before. I understand your rebellious spirit, although you are a bit more free- spirited than I ever would've attempted. It took a lot of guts to stand by your man. To say that if we wanted you we had to bring your boyfriend as well. None of us knows him. The fact that he is under 18 and would be coming without his Parent's knowledge was a really bad idea for us all!!
Please don't misunderstand, I am very proud of your decision to move back home with your Grandparents instead of living in your boyfriend's truck on the streets of Bakersfield. What I don't understand is why you won't let us help you. We are offering you a plane ticket, a home with people who love you, a possible job already, a vehicle at your disposal. I would venture to say we can easily add a line to our cell phone plan so you can have a phone again. You can start over, where nobody knows your name. You have no reputation to uphold. Your life is like a blank canvas, a clean slate; the world is yours for the taking and we want to see you soar!
Instead, you say that you and your boyfriend will be starting jobs today. Your plan is to save about $1,000 and that they two of you will still be coming out here. The only thing is that you do not plan to live with us or even stay with us temporarily. You will acutally move all the way here and choose to stay with someone else. You didn't tell your Dad who it was, just that you will be about a half hour away.
Naturally my mind wanders to her. Your Dad said it is probably your Uncle. He says they are hippy types and it makes sense to him because you would be able to live there without rules. I get that, but I still don't think that's what it is. I think it's her because you totally want to piss off your Grandpa. He "saved" you from the clutches of your past. Adopted you and took you away from it all, moving you hundreds of thousands of miles away from it all so you could blossom and become a beautiful young woman. What better way to get back at him?!
Well, your wrong either way. Whether it's your Uncle or your Mom, you will not be better off. You belong here with us now. Your Grandpa has all but given up on you. He says that deep down you have a good heart, that you care about some things, but that right now you aren't a very good person. Your Grandma was begging me to fly you here. She was the one who said if I could convince you go to home, they would help you pack and whatever you couldn't bring on the plane they would ship out here.
It's not that they don't ever want to see you again, honey. It's just that they feel it is time for a change, for your sake. They have given up the last ten years of their lives for you. Moved away from all they had known their whole lives. Started a new life in a new State, made new friends, got new jobs, new houses - all for you. They love you that much!!
You need to stop for a minute and look around. See the devotion and feel the love. Real love. What you have with this boy is most likely a passing thing. In the past two years that we have been in touch, there have been many boys. They pass right through your life in a matter of weeks, some staying longer than others. I guess that is "normal" for a California teenager. But your family is YOUR FAMILY. They will love you no matter what!
If you choose not to move here with us, that is fine. We will be sad but we will get over it. We still want to be a part of your life, as much as you'll let us. Please don't make any drastic decisions right now. I just want more for you. We want more for you. We don't want you to turn out like her. You are a better person than she ever thought about becoming.
Please continue to keep us updated on your life. We want to know you. We want to be a part of your life, as much as you will let us. Don't ever worry that we won't understand. And if you ever do change your mind all you need to do is call!
Love ya :)
There are so many things I want to tell you. You are still so young, even though you think you are a grown woman now and no one needs to tell you what to do. Honey, there are times where I STILL want my Mom around and I am 37! You need a Mother - whether it's your Grandma there or it's someone else who is a Mother figure. Appearantly you don't want me to be that person.......
Way back when your Dad and I were dating, he told me all about you and your Mom and the poor choices he made as a teenager. He cried. He had never been allowed to see you, forbidden to talk to your Mom. He told me then, before we were even a serious couple, that he wanted to find you. He wanted you all the way back then.
By the time we had married, moved and found you, circumstances had changed drastically for you. I shudder still at the horrible,unmentionable things you had undergone at such a young age. You will surely deal with many "demons" from those early years of your life. Only one person is really to blame.
This is why I am so hurt. Last week you begged me to help you. You said even if I couldn't help that you would understand. I feel like I have somehow let you down. Maybe it is just all of us being selfish. Perhaps your Dad and definately your Grandparents here just want to try to make up for the past when they weren't there. At least two of them wishes things would've went differently in 1990/91.
I kept my part of the bargain, though. I went "to bat" for you. Not only did I talk to your Grandparents here, but I also had half a dozen phone calls with the ones there. They do care about you, you know that, right? They want what's best for you. We all do.
In my opinion, your family out there wants to give you freedom and means well, but also still want you to abide by their rules. I think their rules are bogus! When your Grandpa told me what he considers "fair" for your curfew - I laughed at him. Yes, I laughed at him. He asked me why I laughed and I told him "that would never happen here. I think it is way over the top."
I've told you a little about my past before. I understand your rebellious spirit, although you are a bit more free- spirited than I ever would've attempted. It took a lot of guts to stand by your man. To say that if we wanted you we had to bring your boyfriend as well. None of us knows him. The fact that he is under 18 and would be coming without his Parent's knowledge was a really bad idea for us all!!
Please don't misunderstand, I am very proud of your decision to move back home with your Grandparents instead of living in your boyfriend's truck on the streets of Bakersfield. What I don't understand is why you won't let us help you. We are offering you a plane ticket, a home with people who love you, a possible job already, a vehicle at your disposal. I would venture to say we can easily add a line to our cell phone plan so you can have a phone again. You can start over, where nobody knows your name. You have no reputation to uphold. Your life is like a blank canvas, a clean slate; the world is yours for the taking and we want to see you soar!
Instead, you say that you and your boyfriend will be starting jobs today. Your plan is to save about $1,000 and that they two of you will still be coming out here. The only thing is that you do not plan to live with us or even stay with us temporarily. You will acutally move all the way here and choose to stay with someone else. You didn't tell your Dad who it was, just that you will be about a half hour away.
Naturally my mind wanders to her. Your Dad said it is probably your Uncle. He says they are hippy types and it makes sense to him because you would be able to live there without rules. I get that, but I still don't think that's what it is. I think it's her because you totally want to piss off your Grandpa. He "saved" you from the clutches of your past. Adopted you and took you away from it all, moving you hundreds of thousands of miles away from it all so you could blossom and become a beautiful young woman. What better way to get back at him?!
Well, your wrong either way. Whether it's your Uncle or your Mom, you will not be better off. You belong here with us now. Your Grandpa has all but given up on you. He says that deep down you have a good heart, that you care about some things, but that right now you aren't a very good person. Your Grandma was begging me to fly you here. She was the one who said if I could convince you go to home, they would help you pack and whatever you couldn't bring on the plane they would ship out here.
It's not that they don't ever want to see you again, honey. It's just that they feel it is time for a change, for your sake. They have given up the last ten years of their lives for you. Moved away from all they had known their whole lives. Started a new life in a new State, made new friends, got new jobs, new houses - all for you. They love you that much!!
You need to stop for a minute and look around. See the devotion and feel the love. Real love. What you have with this boy is most likely a passing thing. In the past two years that we have been in touch, there have been many boys. They pass right through your life in a matter of weeks, some staying longer than others. I guess that is "normal" for a California teenager. But your family is YOUR FAMILY. They will love you no matter what!
If you choose not to move here with us, that is fine. We will be sad but we will get over it. We still want to be a part of your life, as much as you'll let us. Please don't make any drastic decisions right now. I just want more for you. We want more for you. We don't want you to turn out like her. You are a better person than she ever thought about becoming.
Please continue to keep us updated on your life. We want to know you. We want to be a part of your life, as much as you will let us. Don't ever worry that we won't understand. And if you ever do change your mind all you need to do is call!
Love ya :)
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Happenstance
Do things just "happen"? Are they circumstancial?? What are the reasons we go through trials that test our faith???.....
I have experienced many "happenstances" in my life. I have been looking back on some of the things I have endured and I can totally see what I FEEL is the hand of God working in those situations, although I didn't understand at the time.
Let me explain. In 2006, I thought my life made sense. We owned a house, a wonderful vehicle and both of us were working 40+ hours a week at our jobs. Jobs we had been working for almost 9 years! Four children born in less than five years. Three of the girls were already in school, were keeping us very busy. Yes, life made sense, at least until I found myself crying one night after taking a pregnancy test!
What in the world was I going to do? This was not in the plan at all! How do I tell my husband? What do I say to my boss? Why did I want another child? Next year my baby would be going to Kindergarten and I would finally feel somewhat "normal" without having to take anyone with me to work.
I put off telling anyone just then. I waited a couple weeks, took another test while hoping the first one was somehow wrong. I kept telling myself "a baby is a precious gift from God. There is no right or wrong time for this". It was positive. I had no other choice but to inform my husband and make the dreaded obgyn appointment. Jim met me for lunch, which he did about once a week anyways. I kept crying and couldn't eat. Finally I just blurted it out. He starts laughing! The man is so happy - he wants another child. Maybe it's a boy this time!!
I make an appointment with the doctor, then inform my boss without telling him WHY I am going to the doctor. Naturally something happens and I cannot make my appointment, so I have to reschedule it. This was my constant aggrevation through the other pregnancies, my appointments weren't important but all the regular employees could leave at the drop of a hat. I make another appointment, still not telling my boss why I am going. At this point, I feel as though I am about 11 weeks pregnant.
I started spotting a little bit a couple days before the appointment. I didn't think anything of it, I had spotted during two other pregnancies anyways, just not at the beginning. The day of the appointment Jim went along with me. I went back for my first "pee in a cup" and general information - the girl came back and questioned me about the pregnancy tests I had done at home as well as the last date of my last period. I started getting all shook up. She said their test was coming out negative but maybe it was too early........did I want to stay and see the doctor? Well, of course I did!
So I go back out to the waiting room and tell Jim. He immediately starts crying. We sat there for over an hour. My phone rings and it's my boss wanting to know if I am ever coming back to work. I didn't want to explain still but she was acting like I was committing a major crime. She (the place I worked was run by a husband and wife team) said I had to be back at work within the next 30 minutes. Needless to say, I didn't end up seeing the doctor that day at all. I left. In my heart I know I should've stayed, but I was always so fearful of losing my job and always wanting to please my boss, so I left.
That afternoon I told my boss what was going on. She didn't seem sympathetic at all. She didn't apologize whatsoever. I was so scared and so angry - mostly at myself - partly at God. Why would he do this to me? Why? I didn't want another child and I had finally come to terms with the idea and now the opportunity was slowly being taken away from me. SLOWLY. ......
The next few weeks were torture for me! I found myself in the hospital for two days because of the miscarriage. They thought I had a tubal pregnancy. Thankfully it was all okay. BUT my stupid body hung on to that pregnancy hormone forever! I had to go for bloodwork every three days until it went down to a 0%. I had a follow up appointment at the obgyn. That was really hard to do with the waiting room full of pregnant bellies. I became very resentful. In the midst of it all, my boss must have felt guilty because I ended up with a week's vacation.
Now, fast forward to 2007....2008...2009. LOL ! I have been reflecting over the major crap we have gone through in the past two years. In 2007 we moved all the way from Ohio to South Carolina. That baby would've only been a couple months old. Talk about hard.
Then in 08, Jim started developing all the complications with his diabetes. We had to take the girls with us for an hour drive to the eye specialist and then sit there and wait on him and then another hour drive back home. Can you imagine how irritated a little one year old would've been with all that?
Now the past year has been extreemely hard. We moved to Indiana from South Carolina. Jim lost his job. I had to get a job. He had a heart attack, cannot see well, and all the kids are now in school ; so if we had another child - who would be about 2 1/2 right now, life would definately be crazy!!
I just keep pondering how I would've done it. I am thankful to the Lord for bestowing this wisdom on me. YET I am still saddened by the fact that I didn't have the opportunity to be a Mother to that child. My arms still ache when I think of it.
so.....happenstance? Life? Coincidence??..... hmmmmm
I have experienced many "happenstances" in my life. I have been looking back on some of the things I have endured and I can totally see what I FEEL is the hand of God working in those situations, although I didn't understand at the time.
Let me explain. In 2006, I thought my life made sense. We owned a house, a wonderful vehicle and both of us were working 40+ hours a week at our jobs. Jobs we had been working for almost 9 years! Four children born in less than five years. Three of the girls were already in school, were keeping us very busy. Yes, life made sense, at least until I found myself crying one night after taking a pregnancy test!
What in the world was I going to do? This was not in the plan at all! How do I tell my husband? What do I say to my boss? Why did I want another child? Next year my baby would be going to Kindergarten and I would finally feel somewhat "normal" without having to take anyone with me to work.
I put off telling anyone just then. I waited a couple weeks, took another test while hoping the first one was somehow wrong. I kept telling myself "a baby is a precious gift from God. There is no right or wrong time for this". It was positive. I had no other choice but to inform my husband and make the dreaded obgyn appointment. Jim met me for lunch, which he did about once a week anyways. I kept crying and couldn't eat. Finally I just blurted it out. He starts laughing! The man is so happy - he wants another child. Maybe it's a boy this time!!
I make an appointment with the doctor, then inform my boss without telling him WHY I am going to the doctor. Naturally something happens and I cannot make my appointment, so I have to reschedule it. This was my constant aggrevation through the other pregnancies, my appointments weren't important but all the regular employees could leave at the drop of a hat. I make another appointment, still not telling my boss why I am going. At this point, I feel as though I am about 11 weeks pregnant.
I started spotting a little bit a couple days before the appointment. I didn't think anything of it, I had spotted during two other pregnancies anyways, just not at the beginning. The day of the appointment Jim went along with me. I went back for my first "pee in a cup" and general information - the girl came back and questioned me about the pregnancy tests I had done at home as well as the last date of my last period. I started getting all shook up. She said their test was coming out negative but maybe it was too early........did I want to stay and see the doctor? Well, of course I did!
So I go back out to the waiting room and tell Jim. He immediately starts crying. We sat there for over an hour. My phone rings and it's my boss wanting to know if I am ever coming back to work. I didn't want to explain still but she was acting like I was committing a major crime. She (the place I worked was run by a husband and wife team) said I had to be back at work within the next 30 minutes. Needless to say, I didn't end up seeing the doctor that day at all. I left. In my heart I know I should've stayed, but I was always so fearful of losing my job and always wanting to please my boss, so I left.
That afternoon I told my boss what was going on. She didn't seem sympathetic at all. She didn't apologize whatsoever. I was so scared and so angry - mostly at myself - partly at God. Why would he do this to me? Why? I didn't want another child and I had finally come to terms with the idea and now the opportunity was slowly being taken away from me. SLOWLY. ......
The next few weeks were torture for me! I found myself in the hospital for two days because of the miscarriage. They thought I had a tubal pregnancy. Thankfully it was all okay. BUT my stupid body hung on to that pregnancy hormone forever! I had to go for bloodwork every three days until it went down to a 0%. I had a follow up appointment at the obgyn. That was really hard to do with the waiting room full of pregnant bellies. I became very resentful. In the midst of it all, my boss must have felt guilty because I ended up with a week's vacation.
Now, fast forward to 2007....2008...2009. LOL ! I have been reflecting over the major crap we have gone through in the past two years. In 2007 we moved all the way from Ohio to South Carolina. That baby would've only been a couple months old. Talk about hard.
Then in 08, Jim started developing all the complications with his diabetes. We had to take the girls with us for an hour drive to the eye specialist and then sit there and wait on him and then another hour drive back home. Can you imagine how irritated a little one year old would've been with all that?
Now the past year has been extreemely hard. We moved to Indiana from South Carolina. Jim lost his job. I had to get a job. He had a heart attack, cannot see well, and all the kids are now in school ; so if we had another child - who would be about 2 1/2 right now, life would definately be crazy!!
I just keep pondering how I would've done it. I am thankful to the Lord for bestowing this wisdom on me. YET I am still saddened by the fact that I didn't have the opportunity to be a Mother to that child. My arms still ache when I think of it.
so.....happenstance? Life? Coincidence??..... hmmmmm
Saturday, March 14, 2009
upcoming visit
I am very confused about how I feel. Not gonna lie. LOL...
In just a few weeks Courtney will be here. Her Grandparents are allowing us to fly her out here for Spring Break. I know Jim has longed to see her in person. I have a feeling it is going to be quite an emotional meeting for everyone.
Here is my problem. Maybe I am just being my stupid, stubborn self. His Parents are my problem. You see, when Jim and his ex found out they were "expecting" she was only 16 and Jim was 17. His Parents said that they didn't want him to be on the birth certificate or pay child support unless the girlfriend went through testing to prove Jim was the Father.
Her Parents didn't want that, at least this is the story that is being told. Will I ever know the truth.....probably not.
Here is what I think. I think that my In Laws were really embarressed about the situation. I can only imagine that they blamed themselves, felt it was their fault for being so busy at work and life, providing for their family and they didn't see what was going on right in front of them with their own child. I can only guess that is why my husband wound up going to College so far away from home. They wanted to get him away from it all.
Jim had been pretty honest with me about the situation. He didn't tell me about the baby until we had been together almost a year. He was upset then, she was two years old at the time and he had never seen her.
As time has gone by, he had been looking for her. Finally we found her (most of you know that story). She has been living in California with her Grandparents, who had adopted her back in 98 and been raising her.
Jim broke down and told his Parents this past July and they act so thrilled. They wanted her address and phone number right away. They mailed her a card. God knows what it said. I am sure it said something to make them look good. They send her money and gift cards. Now before I go all "insane jealous" on you all, let me tell you what kind of people they are.
These people, my In Laws, are very cheap. I am not kidding. They will go out of town shopping all day and not eat. Not eat a thing. Why? Because they dont' want to spend the money! They will be gone ten, twelve hours and then come home complaining how hungry they are. They will order a pizza at domino's because it's only $5 and that is their dinner.
My kids have only gotten a handful of birthday gifts from them, ever. They refuse to attend the girls birthday parties, saying that they don't believe in bday parties. My FIL will even tell you his parents never did them so they never did them for their kids (my husband and his sister) and Jim will tell you he never got bday presents as a kid. When we lived in SC, we actually got bday cards and put $20 in them and signed their names so the girls would have something from someone besides us and my Parents and sisters. They didn't really have many friends down there seeing that we were homeschooling and couldn't find a good church.
So I think that they have never, ever gotten the girls anything for Easter either. And never for Valentines day. Let's just rule out every holiday and special occasion. I can tell you that this past Novemeber when Camryn had her 6th bday and we had a party for her at McDonalds, she personally invited them and they didnt' come. She was so heartbroken.
Imagine my anger when they sent Courtney a card and money for Valentine's day. I am not at all jealous, it is the principal of the fact. My kids are here, they don't act as if they care. They have kept them overnight twice in a year. Twice. After the first time she actually told us that she wanted to start keeping them individually so she can spend time with them one on one. I think it's just so she doesn't have to do anything with them. I know that sounds rude but it is how I feel. And the second time they stayed we had to practically beg them to keep them. We didn't want them to stay overnight, just watch them for a few hours while we went to dinner.
Naturally, you can tell that I have some supressed angry feelings. LOL
Here is my "concern". We have plans with Courtney. Nothing too major, but when we first pick her up at the airport, we thought maybe we would go to dinner before coming back home. I think his Parents will go with us to the airport. So their idea of going out to eat is a bucket of KFC or else double cheeseburgers from McDonald's. I want to take her to this Italian place that everyone keeps talking about, Buca Di Beppo. The girl likes pasta..... :)
So I guess if you think of it, say an extra prayer for me, I am gonna need it. Her plane arrives on Sunday the 5th and we take her back to the airport on Saturday the 11th.
In just a few weeks Courtney will be here. Her Grandparents are allowing us to fly her out here for Spring Break. I know Jim has longed to see her in person. I have a feeling it is going to be quite an emotional meeting for everyone.
Here is my problem. Maybe I am just being my stupid, stubborn self. His Parents are my problem. You see, when Jim and his ex found out they were "expecting" she was only 16 and Jim was 17. His Parents said that they didn't want him to be on the birth certificate or pay child support unless the girlfriend went through testing to prove Jim was the Father.
Her Parents didn't want that, at least this is the story that is being told. Will I ever know the truth.....probably not.
Here is what I think. I think that my In Laws were really embarressed about the situation. I can only imagine that they blamed themselves, felt it was their fault for being so busy at work and life, providing for their family and they didn't see what was going on right in front of them with their own child. I can only guess that is why my husband wound up going to College so far away from home. They wanted to get him away from it all.
Jim had been pretty honest with me about the situation. He didn't tell me about the baby until we had been together almost a year. He was upset then, she was two years old at the time and he had never seen her.
As time has gone by, he had been looking for her. Finally we found her (most of you know that story). She has been living in California with her Grandparents, who had adopted her back in 98 and been raising her.
Jim broke down and told his Parents this past July and they act so thrilled. They wanted her address and phone number right away. They mailed her a card. God knows what it said. I am sure it said something to make them look good. They send her money and gift cards. Now before I go all "insane jealous" on you all, let me tell you what kind of people they are.
These people, my In Laws, are very cheap. I am not kidding. They will go out of town shopping all day and not eat. Not eat a thing. Why? Because they dont' want to spend the money! They will be gone ten, twelve hours and then come home complaining how hungry they are. They will order a pizza at domino's because it's only $5 and that is their dinner.
My kids have only gotten a handful of birthday gifts from them, ever. They refuse to attend the girls birthday parties, saying that they don't believe in bday parties. My FIL will even tell you his parents never did them so they never did them for their kids (my husband and his sister) and Jim will tell you he never got bday presents as a kid. When we lived in SC, we actually got bday cards and put $20 in them and signed their names so the girls would have something from someone besides us and my Parents and sisters. They didn't really have many friends down there seeing that we were homeschooling and couldn't find a good church.
So I think that they have never, ever gotten the girls anything for Easter either. And never for Valentines day. Let's just rule out every holiday and special occasion. I can tell you that this past Novemeber when Camryn had her 6th bday and we had a party for her at McDonalds, she personally invited them and they didnt' come. She was so heartbroken.
Imagine my anger when they sent Courtney a card and money for Valentine's day. I am not at all jealous, it is the principal of the fact. My kids are here, they don't act as if they care. They have kept them overnight twice in a year. Twice. After the first time she actually told us that she wanted to start keeping them individually so she can spend time with them one on one. I think it's just so she doesn't have to do anything with them. I know that sounds rude but it is how I feel. And the second time they stayed we had to practically beg them to keep them. We didn't want them to stay overnight, just watch them for a few hours while we went to dinner.
Naturally, you can tell that I have some supressed angry feelings. LOL
Here is my "concern". We have plans with Courtney. Nothing too major, but when we first pick her up at the airport, we thought maybe we would go to dinner before coming back home. I think his Parents will go with us to the airport. So their idea of going out to eat is a bucket of KFC or else double cheeseburgers from McDonald's. I want to take her to this Italian place that everyone keeps talking about, Buca Di Beppo. The girl likes pasta..... :)
So I guess if you think of it, say an extra prayer for me, I am gonna need it. Her plane arrives on Sunday the 5th and we take her back to the airport on Saturday the 11th.
the stresses of being a preschool teacher
When I was hired for this position, I was informed that there would be a lot of "stuff" to deal with concerning the children. These kids come from really rough backgrounds. I just nodded and smiled, thinking to myself that I could handle that; after all, I did my student teaching in an inner city classroom. I had kids throwing desks. I had some really rough behavior problems. Also, I had worked in preschools for 14 years, collectively. I had been in administration for almost ten. I had seen it all.......
None of that prepared me for this job. I feel so uneducated some days. Like a fish out of water. I think I need some type of trainings, not kidding. The amount of paperwork alone is totally overwhelming. I need a secretary or administrative assistant. Now I know why they are paying me so much on the hour.....LOL.
Seriously, though. I have something due to the office almost weekly. There are naturally the Lesson plans and newsletters, also we are required to create a monthly calendar. We also have to submit curriculum and non-curriculum supply lists monthly. The curriculum supply list is actually pretty cool, though. Each classroom teacher is allowed $40 per month to spend on supplies. The second Thursday of every month we all meet at Wal-Mart and we shop for our supplies. Our boss is there with us and she makes the purchases. It is totally hilarious to watch!
We are all instructed to meet at the front of the store, near the registers, by 2:30. We all use the same check out. She has previously handed us our supply list to shop with, when we check out we give it back to her. After each teacher goes through the line, the cashier will tell our boss how much that person has spent and our boss marks it on the individual supply list. Then when everyone is finished, she pays on the agency credit card. I can only imagine how much that total is, considering there is like 16 or 18 classrooms. Sheesh.....
But now I am digressing.
So the other part of my job is all the standardized testing we have to implement. I have to use something called a "DECA" form twice a year per child. I have to administer a "DENVER" twice a year per child. Each child has to have a communication screening on file. We are required to fill out two progress reports, per child, per year. Then comes the most wonderful part of all, the Creative Curriculum.
First of all, I see nothing curriculum related about this binder. Secondly, there is little room for creativity. Basically it is a testing tool. They list a total of 50 skills that a typical child should master before going to Kindergarten. I have booklets for each child. I have to also submit every score online and print out a classroom composite. Worst of all, it plots graphs and charts of the children's progress and compares from the last time the report was submitted. We have to do this form of testing three times per year.
There is little time for much of anything else, if you let yourself fall into the trap of testing for all these different forms and such. I was so caught up in it at the beginning. I wanted so badly to impress my boss and prove to her that I could do the job. I worked diligently for about three weeks to get all the testing done that was behind. I was so proud when I turned in my Spring report only a couple weeks behind everyone else. Do you know she didn't say one thing! Not one!! :(
Now for the most overwhelming part of the job......the children. Over all, my kids are wonderful. I have grown to love each one of them, and have only been there ten weeks so far. As I read more and more about them, my heart aches. Several of my students have been molested. Most of them have been physically abused. A lot of them have been/are in the middle of custody battles.....torn between two parents. These kids are up against all kinds of odds and still they come to school with a smile on their face. They feel safe. They feel loved. They long to be "normal" and do the things all preschoolers do. My job is to provide a place where they can be themselves, they can learn and be proud of what they accomplish.
My students all come from a different lifestyle then I have ever known. It is hard to say why some people choose to live the way they live. My adult life has been a struggle, but I am an adult and I can change things. These children don't know any other kind of life.......I am very thankful for the opportunity to work with them each day. I pray that I make a difference in their young lives.
None of that prepared me for this job. I feel so uneducated some days. Like a fish out of water. I think I need some type of trainings, not kidding. The amount of paperwork alone is totally overwhelming. I need a secretary or administrative assistant. Now I know why they are paying me so much on the hour.....LOL.
Seriously, though. I have something due to the office almost weekly. There are naturally the Lesson plans and newsletters, also we are required to create a monthly calendar. We also have to submit curriculum and non-curriculum supply lists monthly. The curriculum supply list is actually pretty cool, though. Each classroom teacher is allowed $40 per month to spend on supplies. The second Thursday of every month we all meet at Wal-Mart and we shop for our supplies. Our boss is there with us and she makes the purchases. It is totally hilarious to watch!
We are all instructed to meet at the front of the store, near the registers, by 2:30. We all use the same check out. She has previously handed us our supply list to shop with, when we check out we give it back to her. After each teacher goes through the line, the cashier will tell our boss how much that person has spent and our boss marks it on the individual supply list. Then when everyone is finished, she pays on the agency credit card. I can only imagine how much that total is, considering there is like 16 or 18 classrooms. Sheesh.....
But now I am digressing.
So the other part of my job is all the standardized testing we have to implement. I have to use something called a "DECA" form twice a year per child. I have to administer a "DENVER" twice a year per child. Each child has to have a communication screening on file. We are required to fill out two progress reports, per child, per year. Then comes the most wonderful part of all, the Creative Curriculum.
First of all, I see nothing curriculum related about this binder. Secondly, there is little room for creativity. Basically it is a testing tool. They list a total of 50 skills that a typical child should master before going to Kindergarten. I have booklets for each child. I have to also submit every score online and print out a classroom composite. Worst of all, it plots graphs and charts of the children's progress and compares from the last time the report was submitted. We have to do this form of testing three times per year.
There is little time for much of anything else, if you let yourself fall into the trap of testing for all these different forms and such. I was so caught up in it at the beginning. I wanted so badly to impress my boss and prove to her that I could do the job. I worked diligently for about three weeks to get all the testing done that was behind. I was so proud when I turned in my Spring report only a couple weeks behind everyone else. Do you know she didn't say one thing! Not one!! :(
Now for the most overwhelming part of the job......the children. Over all, my kids are wonderful. I have grown to love each one of them, and have only been there ten weeks so far. As I read more and more about them, my heart aches. Several of my students have been molested. Most of them have been physically abused. A lot of them have been/are in the middle of custody battles.....torn between two parents. These kids are up against all kinds of odds and still they come to school with a smile on their face. They feel safe. They feel loved. They long to be "normal" and do the things all preschoolers do. My job is to provide a place where they can be themselves, they can learn and be proud of what they accomplish.
My students all come from a different lifestyle then I have ever known. It is hard to say why some people choose to live the way they live. My adult life has been a struggle, but I am an adult and I can change things. These children don't know any other kind of life.......I am very thankful for the opportunity to work with them each day. I pray that I make a difference in their young lives.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Sometimes I just gotta vent!
Where to start....where to start......hmmmmmm.
Ok, well, I have been stuck between a rock and a hard place for awhile now. Jim's health has really been on my mind. He has to go back to the eye specialist tomorrow and see if these darn shots are even doing any good. You know, the shots that the insurance refuses to cover because they are labled "experimental"? Yeah, those. So if they are working, we start another round. If they aren't working, we discuss other options. Please, God, I pray they work! I love my husband and I want him to continue to see his children grow. With the "wonderful" insurance plan we have, I would have to imagine they won't be covering the surgery anyways.
The latest drama in my life began yesterday afternoon. Well, actually it sort of began unknowingly on Wednesday evening. Jim's boss (Jeff) told him that there were going to be some major management changes and almost all the assistants were trading places throughout the district. As my husband got all in an uproar, Jeff assured him that he was not going anywhere. So imagine our surprise and dismay when he is informed only three days later that he is, in fact, being transferred. He felt so deceived by Jeff.
The worst part of this mess is that the store they are sending him to is almost 30 miles away. One way. So every day he has to travel 60 some odd miles to go to and from work. Now, it is our choice to drive an SUV, understand, but also realize that we have six people in our family and it is either an SUV or a mini van. We had driven mini vans from 1999 to 2006 when we upgraded to the SUV. SUV's are terrible when it comes to gas mileage! It costs somewhere around $70 to fill my tank up these days. To make a long story short, he is going to consume a tank of gas a week compared to a tank of gas a month. Our budget doesn't have room for this!! And there will be no raise. He was informed, however, that there is the possibility of a promotion by Christmas. Yes, you read that right. It is March and they are promising something by the end of the year. Talk about stupid.
I am totally at a loss on what to do right now. First thing I did was message my friend April, but she is visiting her Mom in the mountains and cannot get on line to IM with me (which btw, I totally understand) then I called my sister, Jackie. She said she would pray. What else is there to say anyways? So I call my Mom, I guess I was looking for a little bit of Motherly love and advice. Who was I kidding??? She has never really given me any of that in the past. So when she responded with "oh, honey, I wish there was something that I could do to help you out but our money is just so tight and with Angela's wedding coming up and all...." ugh!! As if I was calling to ask for money. I just wanted her to listen. To say she was sorry. To understand.
In a moment of true desperation, I called my Mother in Law. Do you know she told me to put my kids in school and get a job?! After the last blog, you probably aren't surprised by that one, are you?.....
So here's the thing. Why doesn't anybody understand the reason why I cannot get a job? First of all, almost any place I go is going to start me out at minimum wage. IF I am lucky enough to get a job that is full time, I MIGHT bring home something like $150 a week after taxes. What am I supposed to do with Camryn? She isn't old enough for school. And then what am I to do with the older three when school is out and I am still at work?? See, no one thinks of this. Well, let me tell you, the cost of childcare is OUTRAGEOUS!!! I called one place not long after we moved down here, simply because my kids were driving me crazy and do you know they wanted to charge me something like $240 a week?! So I would be working for what???...... appearantly I would be working to still owe them $90 a week. Not gonna happen!
And then there is the fact that we only have one vehicle. So if I got a job (which I guess everyone is thinking they are passing out jobs on the street corners these days) then we would have to get a second car. So there is more money going out for the car. Oh, and then there is the added insurance. And the added expense of more money for gas for the second car.
So, does anyone else now see what I live with??
And do you think it is all rosey and stained glass windows here in this house all day long with four strongwilled, stubborn little girls?....NOT!! My life is not a picnic.
It is quite stressful to keep up on laundry and cleaning as it is, but to be properly educating all four of them is very time consuming.
(and someone had to go and add a kitten to the mix....ahem.....)
It is so hard to always be the perfect wife.
To try to do it all myself.
And to be trapped here, day in and day out, with no one to talk to and no where to go......
I know my strength comes from the Lord. It is in moments like these when I can hear Him speak to me, ever so gently "my child, why do you turn from me. Why don't you call me, cry on my shoulder? I long to hold you, to comfort you. This too shall pass. Trust me."
I know. I know. I understand and I don't know why I turn away from Him. My maker and the keeper of my soul. I guess it is easier to turn inwards, to cry outwards, to take the weight of the world on my own shoulders so I can cry "oh, poor me".
I am sure I will be looking back on this learning experience one day and shaking my head at this version of myself. I will be older and wiser. Hopefully I will have learned to turn to the Lord FIRST with my problems. :)
Ok, well, I have been stuck between a rock and a hard place for awhile now. Jim's health has really been on my mind. He has to go back to the eye specialist tomorrow and see if these darn shots are even doing any good. You know, the shots that the insurance refuses to cover because they are labled "experimental"? Yeah, those. So if they are working, we start another round. If they aren't working, we discuss other options. Please, God, I pray they work! I love my husband and I want him to continue to see his children grow. With the "wonderful" insurance plan we have, I would have to imagine they won't be covering the surgery anyways.
The latest drama in my life began yesterday afternoon. Well, actually it sort of began unknowingly on Wednesday evening. Jim's boss (Jeff) told him that there were going to be some major management changes and almost all the assistants were trading places throughout the district. As my husband got all in an uproar, Jeff assured him that he was not going anywhere. So imagine our surprise and dismay when he is informed only three days later that he is, in fact, being transferred. He felt so deceived by Jeff.
The worst part of this mess is that the store they are sending him to is almost 30 miles away. One way. So every day he has to travel 60 some odd miles to go to and from work. Now, it is our choice to drive an SUV, understand, but also realize that we have six people in our family and it is either an SUV or a mini van. We had driven mini vans from 1999 to 2006 when we upgraded to the SUV. SUV's are terrible when it comes to gas mileage! It costs somewhere around $70 to fill my tank up these days. To make a long story short, he is going to consume a tank of gas a week compared to a tank of gas a month. Our budget doesn't have room for this!! And there will be no raise. He was informed, however, that there is the possibility of a promotion by Christmas. Yes, you read that right. It is March and they are promising something by the end of the year. Talk about stupid.
I am totally at a loss on what to do right now. First thing I did was message my friend April, but she is visiting her Mom in the mountains and cannot get on line to IM with me (which btw, I totally understand) then I called my sister, Jackie. She said she would pray. What else is there to say anyways? So I call my Mom, I guess I was looking for a little bit of Motherly love and advice. Who was I kidding??? She has never really given me any of that in the past. So when she responded with "oh, honey, I wish there was something that I could do to help you out but our money is just so tight and with Angela's wedding coming up and all...." ugh!! As if I was calling to ask for money. I just wanted her to listen. To say she was sorry. To understand.
In a moment of true desperation, I called my Mother in Law. Do you know she told me to put my kids in school and get a job?! After the last blog, you probably aren't surprised by that one, are you?.....
So here's the thing. Why doesn't anybody understand the reason why I cannot get a job? First of all, almost any place I go is going to start me out at minimum wage. IF I am lucky enough to get a job that is full time, I MIGHT bring home something like $150 a week after taxes. What am I supposed to do with Camryn? She isn't old enough for school. And then what am I to do with the older three when school is out and I am still at work?? See, no one thinks of this. Well, let me tell you, the cost of childcare is OUTRAGEOUS!!! I called one place not long after we moved down here, simply because my kids were driving me crazy and do you know they wanted to charge me something like $240 a week?! So I would be working for what???...... appearantly I would be working to still owe them $90 a week. Not gonna happen!
And then there is the fact that we only have one vehicle. So if I got a job (which I guess everyone is thinking they are passing out jobs on the street corners these days) then we would have to get a second car. So there is more money going out for the car. Oh, and then there is the added insurance. And the added expense of more money for gas for the second car.
So, does anyone else now see what I live with??
And do you think it is all rosey and stained glass windows here in this house all day long with four strongwilled, stubborn little girls?....NOT!! My life is not a picnic.
It is quite stressful to keep up on laundry and cleaning as it is, but to be properly educating all four of them is very time consuming.
(and someone had to go and add a kitten to the mix....ahem.....)
It is so hard to always be the perfect wife.
To try to do it all myself.
And to be trapped here, day in and day out, with no one to talk to and no where to go......
I know my strength comes from the Lord. It is in moments like these when I can hear Him speak to me, ever so gently "my child, why do you turn from me. Why don't you call me, cry on my shoulder? I long to hold you, to comfort you. This too shall pass. Trust me."
I know. I know. I understand and I don't know why I turn away from Him. My maker and the keeper of my soul. I guess it is easier to turn inwards, to cry outwards, to take the weight of the world on my own shoulders so I can cry "oh, poor me".
I am sure I will be looking back on this learning experience one day and shaking my head at this version of myself. I will be older and wiser. Hopefully I will have learned to turn to the Lord FIRST with my problems. :)
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