Happenstance

Do things just "happen"? Are they circumstancial?? What are the reasons we go through trials that test our faith???.....

I have experienced many "happenstances" in my life. I have been looking back on some of the things I have endured and I can totally see what I FEEL is the hand of God working in those situations, although I didn't understand at the time.

Let me explain. In 2006, I thought my life made sense. We owned a house, a wonderful vehicle and both of us were working 40+ hours a week at our jobs. Jobs we had been working for almost 9 years! Four children born in less than five years. Three of the girls were already in school, were keeping us very busy. Yes, life made sense, at least until I found myself crying one night after taking a pregnancy test!

What in the world was I going to do? This was not in the plan at all! How do I tell my husband? What do I say to my boss? Why did I want another child? Next year my baby would be going to Kindergarten and I would finally feel somewhat "normal" without having to take anyone with me to work.

I put off telling anyone just then. I waited a couple weeks, took another test while hoping the first one was somehow wrong. I kept telling myself "a baby is a precious gift from God. There is no right or wrong time for this". It was positive. I had no other choice but to inform my husband and make the dreaded obgyn appointment. Jim met me for lunch, which he did about once a week anyways. I kept crying and couldn't eat. Finally I just blurted it out. He starts laughing! The man is so happy - he wants another child. Maybe it's a boy this time!!

I make an appointment with the doctor, then inform my boss without telling him WHY I am going to the doctor. Naturally something happens and I cannot make my appointment, so I have to reschedule it. This was my constant aggrevation through the other pregnancies, my appointments weren't important but all the regular employees could leave at the drop of a hat. I make another appointment, still not telling my boss why I am going. At this point, I feel as though I am about 11 weeks pregnant.

I started spotting a little bit a couple days before the appointment. I didn't think anything of it, I had spotted during two other pregnancies anyways, just not at the beginning. The day of the appointment Jim went along with me. I went back for my first "pee in a cup" and general information - the girl came back and questioned me about the pregnancy tests I had done at home as well as the last date of my last period. I started getting all shook up. She said their test was coming out negative but maybe it was too early........did I want to stay and see the doctor? Well, of course I did!

So I go back out to the waiting room and tell Jim. He immediately starts crying. We sat there for over an hour. My phone rings and it's my boss wanting to know if I am ever coming back to work. I didn't want to explain still but she was acting like I was committing a major crime. She (the place I worked was run by a husband and wife team) said I had to be back at work within the next 30 minutes. Needless to say, I didn't end up seeing the doctor that day at all. I left. In my heart I know I should've stayed, but I was always so fearful of losing my job and always wanting to please my boss, so I left.

That afternoon I told my boss what was going on. She didn't seem sympathetic at all. She didn't apologize whatsoever. I was so scared and so angry - mostly at myself - partly at God. Why would he do this to me? Why? I didn't want another child and I had finally come to terms with the idea and now the opportunity was slowly being taken away from me. SLOWLY. ......

The next few weeks were torture for me! I found myself in the hospital for two days because of the miscarriage. They thought I had a tubal pregnancy. Thankfully it was all okay. BUT my stupid body hung on to that pregnancy hormone forever! I had to go for bloodwork every three days until it went down to a 0%. I had a follow up appointment at the obgyn. That was really hard to do with the waiting room full of pregnant bellies. I became very resentful. In the midst of it all, my boss must have felt guilty because I ended up with a week's vacation.

Now, fast forward to 2007....2008...2009. LOL ! I have been reflecting over the major crap we have gone through in the past two years. In 2007 we moved all the way from Ohio to South Carolina. That baby would've only been a couple months old. Talk about hard.

Then in 08, Jim started developing all the complications with his diabetes. We had to take the girls with us for an hour drive to the eye specialist and then sit there and wait on him and then another hour drive back home. Can you imagine how irritated a little one year old would've been with all that?

Now the past year has been extreemely hard. We moved to Indiana from South Carolina. Jim lost his job. I had to get a job. He had a heart attack, cannot see well, and all the kids are now in school ; so if we had another child - who would be about 2 1/2 right now, life would definately be crazy!!

I just keep pondering how I would've done it. I am thankful to the Lord for bestowing this wisdom on me. YET I am still saddened by the fact that I didn't have the opportunity to be a Mother to that child. My arms still ache when I think of it.

so.....happenstance? Life? Coincidence??..... hmmmmm